don’t ever talk to someone while you’re horny it is a bad idea and you’ll regret it
Why I never talk to anyone
just here for the bad guys
"boy i’m in a great mood!"
"oh, please. you can’t REALLY be in a great mood. there are people out there who just got raises. people just got married. people are being reunited with their families right now. how dare you say you’re happy."
The equivalent of someone saying you can’t be sad because other people have it worse than you.
GREATEST IMPROVISED LINE EVER
"HELLO INFANT I AM BELUGA WHALE"
"YOU ALSO ARE BALD AND HAVE A BULBOUS FOREHEAD. LET US BE FRIENDS FORTHWITH."
(via beelzebummer)Under H2O
a cat kissed me yesterday and i didnt even know her
life hack: kill everyone except ur crush so they’re forced to date u
(via beelzebummer)Pleated Jeans
the last one tho
who is this guy. i feel like he speaks to the depths of my very soul. especially today.